How I got here (part of my testimony)

You may wonder how I got here - in a place where I’m a Bible thumping on fire for Jesus woman who is unashamed of her faith, her God, and the gospel. 

Well… I often ask this question too because looking back on my life, I would’ve never guessed that this was my path. 

I got here skeptically. Very.
I got here questioning. A lot.
And I got here because God made a move in my life, so much so that I could no longer deny the way He moved on my heart. 

For a little back story - 
I was raised in the Methodist church, but never felt a personal relationship with Jesus. Church was something we did and while I had some sense of God and the importance of it all, it never sunk into my heart. 

So when I went off to college, naturally I began to separate myself and ask a lot of questions. I didn’t go to church and found myself really questioning if a God exists at all. 

I lived in that space for almost 10 years until a woman I worked with shared her thoughts on the universe. Now this really began speaking to me because the part of me that so desperately wanted to believe there was something more found something that gave me hope. It was quite comforting. 

She introduced me to ideas like the law of attraction, affirmations, and an entire world where people were connecting with this higher power that’s operating around us. And I loved it. It was like I found a home in a sense and something to hang on to. 

I look back now and recognize that the part of me that KNEW all along something was out there, felt more comfortable intellectually with the idea of the universe more so than the Christian God. 

The Christian God is laced with thousands of years of misunderstandings, stories of wrath, and countless humans who have caused major harm to fellow humans, all in the name of this God. 

So that God felt very uncomfortable. He felt silly. He felt like no way is that someone I would believe in. 

And my thoughts on this God were reiterated through various life experiences. Notice I say THOUGHTS here though because this is important. There was a woman at work who lost her teenage son in a car accident. I was going through a difficult marriage and then divorce. My best friend was cheated on and also navigating divorce. Plus general life things. In all of this, I would ask why God would allow bad things to happen to good people and never got an answer that felt satisfactory. 

So I went deeper into this “woo woo” world. 

Then I moved to San Diego, which might as well be woo woo central. Man, there’s a lot of interesting spiritual stuff happening in those circles. 😅

I met people who were healers. I had clients who were healers. People who channeled spirits. People who told the future with shocking accuracy. Energy work was something everyone did, especially the entrepreneurs in my circles. 

During this time, the online space was even highlighting more and more energy workers and healers because people were recognizing that the grit, hustle, whatever it takes mentality was ruining people. So naturally, the collective looked for a cure and they found it in energetics, healing, and other modalities. 

Side note: much of this was born out of mindset work because at some point people recognize that mindset work isn’t enough so there’s always a searching for the next thing that’s the answer. This is how it works when you don’t have God. There is never an end to the search.

I was running in circles where someone always had the next best thing and the most amazing healer. Myself included. Everything was woo. Like everyyyythang. 

And being Christian was certainly not in style. 

Then 2020 happened. 

And the world lost its mind, as we know. 

There was a lot about what was going on that felt off to me. It was that feeling of “something isn’t right here” yet I’m not sure what it is. So I went into observation mode. 

I was watching things play out in the news. I was watching how family and friends were responding. I was watching how my social media feeds were responding. And it was WILD. 

I think something in me began to open up to the possibility that all is not as it seems. 

And when we begin to open to even a hint of doubt, there’s that part of us that becomes open to the idea that perhaps there is more that isn’t as it seems. 

The moment of opening for me was “Bleachgate.”

The media was full of quotes and stories about our president, Donald Trump, telling people to drink bleach in order to prevent Covid. To which I thought, “I think that man is dumb, but is he really that dumb?!”

So for the first time ever, I watched the entire press conference to hear the words straight out of the horse's mouth. And believe me, I thought he was a horse - or a donkey. 🙃

Because I watched the whole thing, I had a more complete picture and context for what the media was reporting. And it didn’t match. What the media was saying was not what he really said. And this really rocked my world because in that moment I had to be honest about what I saw - the media took something he said, blew it up, and got the whole country in a tizzy over it. But it wasn’t the truth. 

So now that feeling of “something is off” was expanding. 

I started to ask a lot more questions. 

I looked into things instead of just looking at headlines and memes. 
I researched a lot. 
I read books. 

I talked to friends who actually like Trump (somewhat in a cover of darkness type of vibe because none of them felt comfortable with others knowing this because our circles were sooooo anti Trump, anti republican, anti anything that wasn’t deemed spiritual enough.)

What I found rocked my world. 
Much of what I believed straight up wasn’t true. 
Not in that “my experience of the truth” type of way, but actual, legitimate, based on facts truth. 

To say this was an identity crisis is an understatement. 

And there’s a lot more I could fill in here, but I’m more interested in getting to some highlights of how I allowed Jesus in my life, so I’m keeping this to the shorter version. 

I was having an identity crisis around my relationship to politics and because some of the revelations were so incredibly foundation shaking for me, it opened me up to asking, “where else in my life could I be wrong?”

First of all - notice I allowed myself to ask that question. 

I didn’t fear being wrong. Even though like any normal human, I don’t enjoy it. 

But I was already in a state of what in the actual F, so seeds had been planted. 

And somewhere along the way, I recognized that a lot of people who liked Trump would quote the Bible. I didn’t know what to make of this. And I kinda thought it made them sound even crazier. 

But…

I was on a quest so I remember thinking to myself, “well let me check it out and see what’s there.”

So I actually began reading the Bible and trying to understand what people saw. 

I never thought I’d believe it, too. 

I simply wanted a better understanding of these people. I wanted to try and see what they saw, so I would at least understand where they were coming from and I could stop vilifying them. 

And somewhere along the way, Jesus came and got me. 

That’s what I say - He came and got me. 

Of course He never really left me, but I opened the door enough for Him to flood my life, work on my heart, and reveal His truth. 

And while I remained skeptical and asking a ton of questions - I still ask a ton of questions for the record - I could no longer deny the way the truth penetrated me. 

And over time, through my process of learning more and asking questions, He’s met me in that space. The revelations have been mind blowing and foundation shaking. 

And at some point, I let go. 

I let go of the life I had built on my own understanding. 
I let go of what I thought I knew. 
I let go of the identity I built that made me more comfortable. 

And I let Him rearrange my entire life.

And the more I get to know Him, the more of my life I give to Him. 
The more questions I ask, the more I surrender to Him. 
The more I allow Him in, the more I see the truth. 

So the woman writing this is not the same woman who rejected Him, yet the same woman who was knitted together in my mother’s womb and created by Him. 

I’ve experienced feeling like a new creation through Christ, while also feeling as if I’ve simply returned to my most natural state - His. 

It’s been a deep, profound journey and I know it’s only just begun.  

I want to highlight 3 things that have been absolutely essential (and still are) in my journey:

1. I was open
   Because the world was cray cray, I was already having an experience of things I believed being turned on their head. I didn’t set out on some quest to discover the truth and feel more comfortable in my faith. My quest was a result of watching what the pandemic was doing to people collectively and personally. And because I was seeing a lot of insanity play out that I KNEW with every fiber of my being was not right, it naturally led to a curiosity of what else?
   
   BUT… one doesn’t automatically lead to the other because there are a ton of people I know who see through a lot of the craziness in our world from the past 2 years, but still won’t allow Jesus in. They cling to their tools, healers, and brain based idea of what this energy is that’s floating around in the universe. It takes a level of humbleness that literally drops you to your knees to be open to Jesus. It’s a heart move of the Holy Spirit and I was open and willing. 
   
   I remain open to how He wants to use my life for His purposes. But honestly - the hardest part of it all is the level of humbleness it requires. Being open isn’t just saying “okay let’s see.” It’s also saying, “If you show me, I’m willing to admit I was wrong, I’m willing to allow You to lead my life, and I’m willing to change everything.” Yowzahs.
2. I asked questions
   Both from a skeptical place and from a seeking to learn more place. And because I allowed myself to ask the hard questions, I received answers. And with those answers came more and more understanding of this God that always seemed vengeful, egotistical, and out of style. But the more questions I asked, the more I had no choice but to admit I had been wrong or lacked understanding for years.
   
   God has met me in every place of unbelief I’ve had and because I’m the type who has so many questions, it’s prepared me to create things like The Well. The questions are endless. But so are the answers.
   
   It’s more than okay to ask questions. I’d argue it’s actually one of the most helpful ways to build faith and trust.
   
   
3. I got up close and personal
   It’s easiest to attack something from the outside. With limited understanding, anything can be torn apart. My questions required me to get more intimate with the stories I had always heard and told myself, “I could never believe in a God that would do that.” The truth was I didn’t know that God who would do that, so I really had zero understanding of who God was.
   
   And there comes a moment in our walk where we have a personal and intimate experience of God and His son. And only in that intimacy can we understand.
   
   Just like any relationship, to really know someone, you have to get close to them. You have to communicate with them. You have to let them in. You have to create a personal relationship that’s just between the two of you. Keeping your distance only ensures you’ll continue to judge, have reasons to keep away, and always lack understanding.
   
   Intimacy has never been easy for me. So naturally it was something I had to overcome in order to experience His presence and build a personal relationship with Him. 

I hope hearing part of my story serves you in some way. 

Whether you’re someone who’s known me a long time and confused by what the heck happened to me or you’re someone who’s wanting a deeper relationship with Jesus yourself. 

I trust that my willingness to share is serving some purpose. 

I’m simply a human, who’s been rocked by the power and presence of God.

xo,
Amy